April 17th, 2020 Jennifer Forward Part 2

April 17th, 2020

I think that it is probably time to update the world on all things “Jen” for the past couple of weeks. For the most part, it has all been rather anticlimactic. I’ve settled into a routine of doing schoolwork while balancing library time and time for myself into my schedule as well. For the most part, I am beginning to feel comfortable with the new world I am living in. Let’s be honest, it is not ideal, I would rather be at school with my friends or spending my weekends at the library with our patrons, but this isn’t a horrible situation, and I am doing alright. I miss my friends and our patrons, but I am thankful for the internet and that I can connect with them whenever I’m feeling down.

Since settling into a routine, in a way, time seems to be flying by. It’s hard to believe that a little over a month ago, we had closed the library and I felt as though my life was destroyed. An honest part of me thought that I wouldn’t last even a week of this. We are all a little more tenacious than we think we are. A month ago, I would have thought it was crazy for anyone to believe that they could make almost the entire population stay home and not go socialize or participate in other currently banned activities. While we are far from perfect in this, I am proud of all of us for making this effort and denying a little of ourselves to protect those around us. There is nothing more selfless at this moment than staying home and abiding by our restrictions. It has such a bigger impact than I think any of us can fully fathom. In a way, we are showing those around us how much we care, not only about our own well-being, but theirs too.

I will say that some days are better than others. There are some days where I am bubbling over with barely containable optimism and then there are others where I have a hard time convincing myself that getting out of bed in the morning is a worthy cause. On those days the worst-case scenarios always seem more likely, and a simple burden weighs a thousand pounds more. Fortunately, those rough days are becoming less frequent.


I think we all try to pretend that we are handling this pandemic in stride and that we have it all figured out. I am the worst of these offenders. Some days my optimism is real and other days it’s just a facade to cover up the hurt I am truly experiencing. The facade is an attempt to put a smile on someone else’s face so that I can assure myself that they aren’t experiencing the hurt that I am. One of the things this pandemic has shown me is that it is okay to not always have it all together. You are not anything less of a person if you face a struggle every now and again. I also think it’s important to not only allow yourself to be okay with struggling but to admit that you’re struggling to others. People have a hard time trying to relate to someone they see as perfect and never struggles. They almost feel like they have to live up to an impossible ideal that is completely false anyways. They want someone that they can see themselves in and receive a reminder that they are not alone in their struggles. Admitting your struggles takes you from being an unfeeling statue to actually being a human.

There’s been a lot of talk about life not being the same when all of this is over. As much as I would like to vehemently deny this statement, each passing day shows me that this is all the more likely. It is hard to admit and really face the fact that things will never be normal again. I am fairly certain that the library I closed on Monday, March 16th is not the same library that I will open whenever that day maybe. I miss casual conversations around the circulation desk with our patrons and it hurts me to know that those may not be a reality for a long time. It’s a tough but necessary pill to swallow. Part of me wonders if I have worked my last regular shift before I move on to bigger and better things. It is weird to think that a face-covering will be almost as normal as putting your shoes on or grabbing your keys. It is also weird to think of how different my college experience will be if we are even permitted to return. It hurts to think of how long it may be before we are able to casually visit friends or go see a movie. We cannot change these circumstances, and I think that is what makes them hurt worse. Many times if there is something in our lives that we do not enjoy or is a stumbling block there is something that we can do to remove it. We are very independent people. This is one situation where we are helpless to an enemy that we cannot see and do not understand. All we can do is abide by the restrictions placed in front of us and embrace them to the best of our abilities. Waiting games are tough, but isn’t the prize always worth it in the end?

I really find it interesting how this pandemic has really brought out the true colors in all of us. I know it sounds like I am trying to grasp at straws and talk bad about people but I see a lot of good in people’s true colors. It is really neat how some people have really emerged from the shadows as some of the brightest lights in these dark times. We are seeing new leaders appear that are helping to guide as all through this tough time. We are seeing people provide encouragement who normally wouldn’t speak to us. It is heartwarming. Love works in mysterious ways.

Things may never be “normal” again, but fortunately, we are at a pivotal moment where we can work to make the new “normal” much more positive than the one we left behind. Yes, there will be some inevitable negative portions of this “normal”, but we can use this time to address some of the things that set us back in the past and develop a better “normal” that outweighs the inevitable negative portions that will be present. We can make it “normal” to show those we love that we love them. We can make it normal to be kind to others, we don’t need a global pandemic for that anymore. We can do good to others simply because we are naturally good people who don’t need to be praised for our efforts. Let’s collectively leave our unfeeling statues behind and work to become authentic human beings as we embark on this new world we are all entering in.

This is where our journey ends for today. If there is one thing that is consistent at this point in time, it is school assignments. Schoolwork is calling and I must go...

The Library Manager speaks...

According to my calendar, the Morrisville Public Library in Morrisville NY has been closed for 24 days.  This has been very hard for me to fathom.  We close for a week between Christmas and New Year's and that seems to be a long time, this seems like an eternity.

I go over to the library a few times a week and check on the building.  It's lacking life right now.  The heat has been turned back, the lights are off, the posters on our bulletin board I had the staff remove the last day we were open.  Our dry erase board upon entering is void of writing, our St. Patrick's Day bulletin board near the children's books is still hung.  The place smells musty and feels lifeless.  Our building is wanting people inside it's walls.

I am feeling the same.  Today, I called a patron who had finished a book we both wanted to read and discuss before we closed.  I had most of it to read still.  She told me that last day we were open that now we would never get a chance to discuss the book.  It took me forever as adjusting to working from home, trying to find groceries for my family of 5 (with 4 grown adults), homeschool and the guilt of not having a hot meal on the table when my husband came home now that I was home all day, took most of my time.  By the time my youngest was in bed, I would read a chapter and fall asleep.  I finished the last three chapters last night.  Today, I called this wonderful woman and for 35 minutes we discussed the book, how her and her husband were doing to completing the census, trying to navigate the grocery stores and now the new odd and even days to go out.  This conversation made my day.  It felt like I was there in my office talking to a patron and things were normal.  In all reality, I was home, in my bedroom (as that was the only free room at the moment), talking on my cell phone in my hang out at home clothes.  But I could imagine life was back to normal.  I am going to find another patron to call tomorrow.

Normal, what is back to normal anyway?  Governor Cuomo says we will never be back to normal but instead have a new normal.  Will we ever be able to hug someone again or shake hands?  Can I stop carrying hand sanitizer and gloves in my car?  When can I go back to work where distractions are from my patrons and not the dog, a kid or the doorbell?  I know when the new normal takes place, I will have a new excitement to get back to that building, be exuberant when a patron wants to talk and just be glad that life has returned to a new normal outside of this stay home and don't breathe on anyone domain we live in right now.

Am I happy?  Hey, how lucky am I that I have a job and can work at home?  This is something we all dream of right?  I am so damned lucky to have a job when most don't.  I am not sure about the work at home.  I miss the quiet times in the library for working, the patron chats, the smell of new books, the helping people....being social.  As for happy....I really don't know.  There are days where I want to cry because I don't think I can take much more of the changes that are coming.  I will admit, I wish I could get the virus, let God choose what will happen to me and just be done with this waiting game.  I have the most amazing dreams when I do sleep of times before this 6ft rule and the don't leave home mandates.  I wake and sometimes think it was all just a joke.  I think it's completely normal to have good days and bad....so I am "normal".  There is that normal word again.....

I have rambled enough.  None of it makes sense probably but I wanted you all to know, that it's okay.  We are okay to not be perfect right now, it's okay to be sad, it's okay to not be "normal".  I am just like the rest of you, trying to hold it all together....but feeling like that proverbial bug that hits the windshield.  We will all get through this and then can go back to trying to staple jello to the wall.....

Stay safe all, be well, stay home and if any of you need to chat, leave a message for me at the Library (315-684-9130) as I am not keen about posting my cell number on the Internet, or email me at:  mrounds@midyork.org.  I miss all of you more than any of you will ever know!  ~Michelle Rounds

Jennifer Forward, Age 20 March 10th-April 3rd, 2020

April 3rd, 2020

I think in order to best understand the COVID-19 pandemic from my perspective, that it is important to go back to when it all started and recreate it from there. I’ll keep it brief so here we go…

Even though I am a college student and most would be surprised to hear that I even follow the news, I am an old soul who reads the newspaper while drinking a glass of orange juice every morning. I will admit however, I read a digital copy of the newspaper and not an actual paper one. Going back to COVID, I had been reading about the virus in the newspaper since it really began to capture media attention in China in early January. I can’t say that I had a particular emotional reaction to hearing about it, but I did feel slightly reassured that the disease was not in the States but across the world. I thought that since it was in China and China is fairly well equipped to handle something like this when compared to other countries, that it wouldn’t make it here. Not to mention, things like that just don’t happen in the U.S. right?

I guess I really started to take it all more seriously when the CDC told the U.S. to prepare as the virus was coming, and it would not hold back. It was almost as if by saying those words, that the CDC spoke it into existence, as not long after, there was an outbreak of it in Washington State and then near New York City. As cases began to grow and spread, the fear and panic within the nation began to spread exponentially more.

For my friends at Cazenovia College and I, spring break was approaching quickly. As the week of midterms before break wound down, we kept receiving emails asking us to be more diligent about washing our hands, not going to class if we’re sick, and other emails about staying healthy. We also received emails about school-sponsored international trips being canceled and about our study abroad student had been called home. Before we left for break we were asked to inform the school of where we were going for break, whether it was home or if we would be traveling. I assumed that this was in case we went somewhere where the virus was so that they could ask us to quarantine before returning to campus after break. For me it was easy, I was going home to Morrisville to work like I would any other break.

Other than the added step of informing the school of where I would be spending break, leaving campus for the week was rather anticlimactic. Since I usually went home on the weekends to work, I packed like I usually would with a few extra days of clothes and medications to last me through the week. I knew I had a lot of schoolwork to do over break and I would not have much time for myself so I packed extremely lightly on the recreational activities end. Like with any break, I did make sure to say goodbye to everyone before leaving as we were going to be apart for a week and some of my friends had a long way to travel. It’s weird to think that a plane crash was a bigger fear for me at the time than COVID. Little did I know that these goodbyes were a little more permanent and would have to last longer than our week away before we returned to campus to push through the end of the semester together. As I locked the door to my room worrying that I was forgetting something (fortunately even though there are many things I wish I had grabbed now, I really wasn’t forgetting anything) I never once thought that I would not return to that room for an unspecified period of time. I never thought that the next few weeks of my life would seem like a nightmare I could not wake up from or that from then on, my entire college life would be brought to me by the screen of my laptop.

My spring break started rather normally for the most part. I went to work, I made sure to sanitize a little more than usual as working at a library is essentially exchanging the community’s germs with a smile on your face and making minimum wage for doing so. Not to mention, even though we are a small town that wouldn’t even be recognizable without a college campus on the hill (aka. we were so unrecognizable that could this virus really find us?), it was flu season, and the flu always finds us. I had gotten a fair amount of schoolwork done as well, I felt like I was in a place where I would not be suffocated by whatever the remainder of the semester had to throw at me when we returned to campus.

Tuesday, March 10th was probably the last normal day I had, which I am not even sure if I can say that either. My day started with getting breakfast with a friend of mine, which as many of my friends know, seeing me over breaks is about as rare as not getting a snowstorm in Morrisville in March. My friend took me by surprise for even making the offer because most don't, and if they do, I am usually not free. In this case, I was actually free, and I am a sucker for good pancakes. After a great breakfast, the rest of the day seemed to go rather normally, that is until I got to work that afternoon. My mom, also my boss was talking about the work she had been doing in terms of preparing the library for the inevitable fact that the virus was on its way to us. By that point, I was no longer ignorant and in doubt, I knew it was coming and as a nation, we were ill-prepared to handle it.

Wednesday, March 11th is a day that I do not think any American or really anyone in the world will forget. The World Health Organization officially declared the coronavirus outbreak a pandemic and news of the virus practically kept slapping everyone in the face over and over again for the next several days. The NBA suspended its season, March Madness was canceled, and colleges were closing for the rest of the semester. Even the voice of everyone’s favorite Sheriff, Tom Hanks, along with his wife Rita tested positive for the virus. While Cazenovia took longer to make their decision on our future than most schools, it seemed rather inevitable that we would be added to the list of schools closing or moving our classes online. At that point, I had pretty much stopped doing any of the remaining schoolwork that I had left as, since the projects involved being with people, I knew that I probably would not be able to complete them. Not to mention, trying to stay up to speed on all that was going on with the virus was practically a full-time job. Staying on top of the news seemed like the most practical thing to do as I knew that would determine what my future would consist of.

The library remained open, but we enhanced our sanitizing procedures and were encouraged to wear gloves. At that point, I was still not too nervous about catching the virus. I had just had my yearly physical and was given a clean bill of health so I knew that if I did catch the virus, it probably would not affect me as badly as others. Not to mention, I felt like it was our duty to remain open. The virus still wasn’t near us yet and in our community, we are the source of the no-nonsense and factual news that people need. Closing our doors would close the opportunity to properly educate our community about what we were facing.

By Friday, March 13th, it was inevitable that we were going to close. Inter-library loans had been ended for the time being as well as holds between libraries within our library system. The library board had scheduled a special meeting for Monday night to discuss closing the building and I was instructed to start telling patrons that we were probably not going to be open after Monday. All of the closures and cancellations up to that point had seemed like a fantasy, but this was real. It was actually happening. It hurt my heart to know that I did not know when I would see some of our patrons again. I don’t think anyone really understands unless they’ve worked in a small-town public library how your patrons become your family and you know all about them, their families, their problems, and even their biggest fears. As much as it hurt, I knew it had to be done. Some of our patrons are older and I would hate if our selfish decision to stay open was what made them sick, the guilt would be unbearable. Love hurts sometimes.

I don’t think I slept the night before the 16th. This all seemed like a nightmare I could not wake up from. It was sickening to look at my phone and see another notification about a place that had closed or a person who was sick. Fortunately, my spring break had been extended a week which allowed me to work the entire day that we were last open. I knew it would be hard saying goodbye for who knows how long, but at the same time, I knew I needed it.

You’re simply not human as a librarian if wondering where a book has been before you touch it is not at least in the back of your mind every now and again. On Monday, March 13th, that thought had come up a little too far into the forefront of my mind. Over the weekend, a case had been confirmed in Herkimer County, a county within our library system. On Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s, we receive deliveries from other libraries within the system of books for our patrons or books to put back on our shelves. This Monday was no different. After looking at the bag of books for a moment, I realized that I was thankful that I was the one emptying it that day. As I mentioned earlier, I had received my clean bill of health, and it was better than my coworkers or my Mom (who’s shift I was working so she could handle administrative duties) handling it. They are parents, spouses, aunts, and uncles. I am a college student, living at home, in thousands of dollars of debt. I was sure my friend Sallie Mae wouldn’t miss loaning me several thousand more dollars if this was it for me. I put on gloves, grabbed the bottle of sanitizer and dove in. As much as I love mystery novels, this is not a mystery novel so I will be upfront with you. At the time of this writing, it has been eighteen days since I handled that bag of books and thirteen since I last handled a library book and I am very much alive and well.

As expected, it was a very busy day at the library. Fortunately, patrons came in rather evenly, so I only had to ask people to stay six feet from the person next in line a couple of times. My anxiety continued to build throughout the day as I knew the Board of Trustee’s final decision was just hours away. I am not sure if I was more anxious about the decision itself, or about the fact that as a result of it I might express emotion in public (which I almost never do) and not be able to wipe the tears (the evidence) away because I hadn’t washed my hands. In the end, the decision was made to close the building to the public until April 13th, but the staff would still report to work. Although I would miss the patrons, I was thankful for the opportunity to still be in the building and surrounded by the thousands of books that have been my sanctuary for many years. I needed that sanctuary more than ever at that moment.

Again, this isn’t a mystery novel, I didn’t cry closing the building. I experienced a sense of closure and thankfulness that we were doing our part in protecting those we love most. It was a little weird drafting up our closing statement to post on the website and social media as well as taking down posters for all of our events as they had been canceled until May 1st. Or flipping the open sign one last time before deciding to just take it down as it had our hours of operation on it and well, those would be meaningless for a while. The place felt lifeless. The last time the building had been closed for more than a few days and this lifeless was in 2011 when we had just completed our edition on the back of the building and we were excitedly moving the books out to their new home. Even though this closure did not have that same excitement, deep down I felt that excitement for when we eventually reopen, that did, and still does give me hope.

Like almost everything else with this pandemic, things change rapidly. Initially, staff was required to report to work but after mandates by the governor sending non-essential employees home, my coworkers were laid off, and I was kept on the staff as the next senior staff member to the manager. I was told to work from home and learn important aspects of the manager’s job in case she fell ill. I also went over to the library a few times to empty the book drop until we decided it was safest to close it off for a while. By this point, Cazenovia had decided to move classes online for the rest of the semester and postpone commencement. Fortunately, I am not a senior, but my heart did and still hurts for those who are. Since so many other things were going on for me when Caz’s decision was made, it really didn’t sink in until a few days later. When it did, hurt doesn’t even begin to describe how it felt. It was paralyzing. I think I speak for a lot of people in pleading with you to make every moment count with people because you really don’t know what the future holds.

After a rough weekend, Monday, March 23rd brought some promise. It was time to embark on the online classes experience and establish a new “normal” for myself. I am a huge creature of habit and with everything that had happened, throwing me off my routine did not help my experience at all. I had also developed a new perspective over the weekend. I stopped looking back at all the things I “lost” but instead started looking to the future and all the potential that was ahead. There is so much more ahead for all of us than what we left behind. Not to mention, even though many things ended abruptly, we should still be thankful for all the moments we had before the pandemic. I had listened to a sermon over the weekend that talked about how hope is even more contagious than this virus and that we have a choice in whether we want to spread hope or wallow in our sadness. I chose and still choose to spread hope.

I think I speak for every college student when I say that there are a lot of things to love and hate about online classes. Overall I would say that the adjustment process for me went fairly well though I still do enjoy in-person classes much more. In terms of adjusting to working from home, I would say that that has gone well also. Each day we evaluate what is going on, what the outlook of the virus looks like, and what particular restrictions we are facing to best offer as many services as we can. We are engaged on social media more than ever as that is the best way to stay in contact with our patrons. As a library, we have decided to share only the most important information about the virus as every other person or organization on social media is sharing the same stuff about the virus and we don’t want to do that. We have decided to try to gear our work towards being more of a breath of fresh air from that. This has changed many aspects of my job but has allowed me to do a lot of playing around with converting some of our services to be compatible online as well as planning fun activities to participate in online. This new freedom is what created this blog. We want to be a bright light for the members of our community and I am excited to do my part in that.

Essentially, this is where our journey ends for now. I have pretty much settled into a routine of online classes, working from home, family time, and time with my friends from school. I have enjoyed working from home more than I ever expected and I love that I get to play around with the services the world wide web has to offer and pass them along to our community to hopefully put a smile on their faces as this virus continues to rear its very ugly head. As much as being an adult and being home with my family sucks at times, I have really enjoyed being home with them. I am thankful that I am not alone at this time and that I wake up every morning knowing that they are safe and healthy. Oddly enough, I almost feel closer to my friends now more than ever before. On top of that, there are a few friendships that have exponentially grown and I am looking forward to continuing to build them when we can see each other again. Furthermore, I am thankful for the internet and the opportunity to still speak to my friends face to face on a regular basis. There is still a lot of uncertainty hanging around me but one thing is for certain, I am thankful that I am home and that my friends, family, and I are all safe and healthy.